There are things unsaid, between us. But we don't know it because we're living in the illusion that they have been addressed in the good few conversations we've had. As though anything important has already been tended to, and nothing else matters much now. There's no burning desire to speak, because I feel safe with you and maybe you with me. Friends who can chill a whole day without talking. I feel the most comfortable alone. And I'll help you answer the question, maybe you do too. Which is why that silence was fine. I'm just afraid that soon I'd interpret that comfort as distance and start to draw myself away. I'm already starting to. I mean, wasn't it distance? Us choosing to be in our own comfort zone instead of putting in the effort to connect with the other.

That is why I keep repeating to myself in my head, 'what is the point of speaking to others', if trying to connect with others is so difficult. I want to connect and be whole with a person/people, but it is impossible and I leave defeated most of the time. Because it requires so much effort from both parties, at the same time.

When with a person, I feel the need to speak and connect, because that is the sole purpose of us meeting each other. There are times where both feel tired, feel empty to share anything yet company (physical presence) is needed. But it'll only be good if, when we're talking, we really connect; when we're silent, we're really physically present. Not just there. Or I might as well be alone.

I crave for complete connection with another being, such that there would be zero discomfort. And it is then where I won't have to say "I'm only most comfortable being alone".